If you missed Part 1 of this post, click here to read that first. I shared how my counseling journey began, how I walk clients through a crisis of meaning and help them get to know themselves, and what it means to build a counselor/client relationship of trust.
In this post, I’m going to talk about how the pandemic has affected people’s mental health, the difference between revolving and evolving, how to ask the right questions, and why I believe in taking risks.
The World We’re Living In
Life is already hard and complicated, right? And everybody comes to a different idea of why they are who they are in different ways and for different reasons. But then, when you add in the isolation and complexity and challenges of a pandemic, it maximizes all of the problems in people’s lives. We’re definitely busy right now in the therapy world, and we’re seeing issues and problems there’s no precedence for. We’re in uncharted territory for sure.
More than ever before, people are facing a plethora of worries and fears. Isolation has affected some people very deeply. There’s a lot of anxiety and depression. When you’re looking to find meaning in your life, these things certainly dampen it, stifle it, darken that picture of meaning.
As I’m helping clients work on their identity and existential things, we have to work on those things in parallel with their other issues. I want to help you make your life make sense and be interesting and fun and cool. But we also have to get you feeling better, so it’s not so much work to do these things. It’s these parallel processes of getting rid of the gunk of depression and anxiety while also helping you develop this really cool world for yourself. Saying things like, “Let’s not just do pain management and crisis control, but let’s develop something you can be proud of and excited about.”
There’s a lot of cognitive restructuring that has to happen, a rebuilding of the thinking processes. It’s the idea of managing pain better so it’s not so distracting as you work toward that ultimate goal of leading a more interesting, fulfilling, and meaningful life.
Revolving vs. Evolving
I ask my clients this question quite often: are you revolving or evolving? Revolving is just circular thinking, circular living, doing the same things over and over and hoping for a different result. It’s painful, both for my clients and for everyone who loves them. Evolving is moving forward, actualizing, growing, becoming something else. And it feels like there’s a sense of momentum and hope in that.
If you’re revolving, you’ll just keep responding to circumstances and people in the same exact way. If you’re evolving, you’re going to try something new, something different, a new attitude, a new approach. And you’ll see a new outcome. Because you’re trying a new behavior. All those tiny things don’t seem like a big deal, but they all add up to a big life change—changes in the success of your relationships, your career, etc.
This idea that we can choose one avenue or another is a new concept to a lot of people. I help them sort out their behaviors and attitudes and thoughts. Which ones are in survival mode and which ones are in thriving mode? Which behaviors and attitudes and thoughts are helping you evolve, and which ones are sending you round and round in never ending circles? Then I help them figure out how to make better choices.
I encourage people to question. I think, at the heart of change, is the ability to question ourselves and our past. People say to me, “I don’t have any regrets,” and I think, “Really?” We should probably have some regrets. There are definitely things in my past I would change. If my clients have made bad decisions and they’re dissatisfied—and they’ve recognized that—that’s good stuff. That’s good material for change. We can only change what we’re willing to look at.
Playing It Safe vs. Taking Risks
Dissatisfaction and playing it safe go hand in hand. I want to get people to take chances, take risks, get curious about the world and what they can do in it. I want them to be intentional in their lives. When they realize they have a choice, then they can consciously go after it, rather than letting life just happen to them. We want them to grab life by the horns.
I’m constantly telling clients they’ve got to experiment. We’ve got to try things on to see what fits, whether that’s relationships or hobbies or activities or jobs or school. We have to try it on to see if it works. If it doesn’t fit, I can take it off. I can get rid of it. I’m all about brainstorming and coming up with ideas, new stuff for my clients to go after.
People get stuck in that analysis paralysis. They think and think and think and never do. I always tell people “take imperfect action.” It’s better to take action that’s imperfect than to do nothing. We don’t regret what we do as much as we regret what we don’t do. When I think about people who come into my office and tell me their regrets, it’s more what they haven’t done, more so than what they have done and regretted. Not every time, but a lot of the time.
Take imperfect action. Go after it, and see what happens. What have you got to lose?
Seeing the Big Picture
Clients will often come into my office asking the wrong questions. They’re asking questions about this certain person or this behavior or this situation that happened last week, but they’re not asking the big picture stuff. I want people to look at themselves and figure out all the changes they can make. And not get too stuck in the situational drama that exists around them. When people start asking the right questions, that’s when we can make important changes. That’s when people really start moving in the right direction.
Victor Frankl says, “When we’re no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” That’s a pretty big deal.
The bigger the mess around you, the harder your relationships are or your situation is, the more there is that you can do within yourself. You have to push yourself, think harder, challenge yourself, feel differently, get all that stuff in order, because you can’t not. The world’s not going to allow you to play it safe or take it easy.
It starts with paying attention, having an awareness of what’s going on, taking a deep breath and asking, “Okay, what’s going on inside of me right now?” and making intentional choices of what you’re going to do with that. Whether that means you send a text, make a call, or keep it to yourself. It starts with awareness. If you can’t control yourself, you can’t control your world. So, the more you’re in charge of you, the more you can design and set up what you want to in your world.
Of course, we’re going to deal with the little picture stuff, too, but we’ve really got to get to the big picture. If not, as counselors, we’re really just case managers. Or really expensive friends who are going to give advice for the week.
I don’t want to give advice just for the week. I want to help them construct their internal worlds—and their external lives—in a different way. I’m so thankful for a career where I get to do that every day.
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